Last night I sobbed myself to sleep. No I did not cry softly to sleep, I released big huge sobs that were so fierce my bed shook like it was in an earthquake. Why, you may ask? Because I was forced to take a good hard honest look at myself and I wasn't sure I liked what I saw.
I am pretty (according to most people) without ever wearing a lick of makeup. I have a shapely body (though it is covered with a few extra lbs.) I have hair that most women would love but I wear it up everyday. I am a very, very low-maintenance, laid-back individual. To me comfort is more important than style. Now I should clarify, I'm not a slob but I am perfectly comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt and that is my outfit of choice 99.99% of the time.
Here's the problem, men are very visual creatures. They like flash. They like sex appeal. They like style. And though what I have to offer is far deeper than my looks, shape or hair, men want to see that. For 37 years I have tried hard to downplay my looks. I do not want someone that only wants me because they think I will look good on their arm. I want someone that says wow E is the most amazing woman on the inside and that makes her outside irresistible (regardless of how I actually look) And for 37 years I have had to listen to people say if you only (fill-in-the blank) you would be so beautiful. For 37 years I have said I do not want to do those things to be considered beautiful.
Well once again last night I was reminded that I do not go the extra mile or even the extra centimeter to make myself up and once again I was reminded that as much as I do not want to admit it, LOOKS MATTER!
So I spent last night sobbing, asking The Lord to send me someone that would see me for who I am and not how I look but feeling as though perhaps I have to doll myself up just to get the chance for someone to appreciate my inside.
So where can I take lessons on dressing like a lady?! (I already act like one)
I realized today that by the time my divorce is fnalized, I will have spent equal time with my maiden and married name. Exactly equal time. Think about this for a moment. 18 years, 9 months and 6 days as a Miss and 18 years, 9 months and 6 days as a Mrs. Do you understand the incredible odds of something like that "just happening" No because that is CLEARLY GOD'S WILL! Who else can plan the timing down to the second? NO ONE but The Lord.
So today I am thankful for God's IMPECCABLE TIMING, Love, Mercy and Grace.
I believe I will officially change my name to Ms. Hyphenated Name after the divorce.
For whatever reason I have been unable to sleep for the last week. I fall asleep but only doze for a few minutes, sometimes an hour, and then wake! Then it takes me hours to return to sleep. I cannot even begin to describe to you how tired I was from lack of sleep!!!
Last night, after work, I went almost immediately to bed. I tossed, turned and cried because I was STILL unable to sleep. Around 7:30 I took two Tylenol PM pills and prayed that this would work. Finally, FINALLY, around 9:00 I fell fast asleep. I opened my eyes at 1:44 AM (nearly 5 consecutive hours so that was GREAT) but instead of getting up to turn off the lights and TV I could see/hear in the living room, I closed my eyes and prayed again, let me ignore that so I can go back to sleep.
Thankfully sleep returned quickly and I woke at 5 AM feeling WONDERFUL! One doesn't really appreciate the value of a good night's sleep until it goes missing for several days. I pray tonight I am able to find that sleep again.